This is known as The Stony Play not because it originates from Stony Stratford, but because it is an amalgam of several different plays which we have cobbled together to produce a new play, and introduced elements of our own as well.

CHARACTERS

Open Your Door - St George - Bold Slasher The Turkish Knight - Guier - Doctor - Jack Finney - Oliver Cromwell - Beelzebub - Miser - Big Head

THE PLAY

All enter Singing 'Old Woman Tossed Up'

Oh there was an old woman tossed up in a blanket
99 miles beyond the moon
And under one arm she carried a basket
And under the other she carried a broom
Old Woman old woman old woman cried I
Oh wither Oh wither Oh wither so high
I'm going to sweep cobwebs beyond the sky
And I'll be back with you bye and bye

OPEN YOUR DOOR
Room, room, give me room to rhyme
Open your door and let us in
We beg your favour for to win
Whether we rise stand or fall
We'll do our duty to please you all
We are come to show you our activity this Christmas time
Active youth and active age
The like was never acted on any stage
And if you don't believe what I say
Enter in St George and clear the wa

ST. GEORGE
In comes I St. George a noble champion bold
Twas I who fought and won three crowns in gold
Twas I who fought the fiery dragon and bought it to it's slaughter
And by this means I won the Queen of Egypt's daughter
(points to clenched fist)
Here's England's right - here's England's wrong
I fought them all courageously
And still have gained the victory and will always fight for liberty
Here I draw my bloody weapon, show me the man who dare me stand
I'll cut him down with my courageous hand

BOLD SLASHER THE TURKISH KNIGHT
I am the man that dare you challenge
A man of courage bold
And if thy blood is running hot
I'll quickly fetch it cold
My head is made of cannon balls
My body's made of steel
My arms and legs of the first class brass
I challenge thee to feel

ST. GEORGE
Who are you but a silly lad?

BOLD SLASHER
I am Bold Slasher the Turkey champion
From Turkey land came I to fight you - the great St. George by name
I'll hash you and smash you as small as a fly
And send you to Turkey to make mince pies baked in an oven
And after that I shall fight every champion in Christendom

ST. GEORGE
Bold talk, Bold Slasher, bold talk I am sure
Now draw forth your sword and fight
Draw forth your purse and pay
Satisfaction we will have before you go away

BOLD SLASHER
My sword it is already drawn, no money will I pay
Satisfaction I will have before you go away

(They fight)

ST GEORGE
Stand off - stand off, for your time draws nigh

BOLD SLASHER
No! Stand off you English dog for now you die

(St George falls)

OPEN YOUR DOOR
Oh cruel cruel Moselmum
See what thou hast done
Thou hast killed and wounded mine only son
Walk in Guier with your face like fire
And see what thou canst do with this villain

GUIER
I am Guier, Guier is my name
Of English nation bred and claim
I've searched this country round and round
To find King George ten thousand pounds
(Turns to Bold Slasher)
Battle to battle with thee I call
To see who no this ground shall fall

(They fight, Guier disarms Bold Slasher who falls to his knees)

BOLD SLASHER
Pardon O Pardon me I crave and I will be your T urkish slave

GUIER
Go home, go home you copwardly snipe
And tell them what champions in England do dwell
And if anyone should comeover from France
I'll stand on the white cliffs of Dover and dance

(Guier dances)

OPEN YOUR DOOR
Horrble! terrible!
Is there a doctor to be found to cure this man of his deadly wound?
Doctor , doctor £10 for a doctor

DOCTOR (Holding hobby horse)
I am a doctor good and rare
I've travelled this country far and near

OPEN YOUR DOOR
How camest thou to be a doctor

DOCTOR By my travels Sir!

OPEN YOUR DOOR
And what countries have you travelled most noble doctor

DOCTOR
Italy, Sicily, France and Spain
Three times to the world and back again

OPEN YOUR DOOR
No further?

DOCTOR
Why yes Sir a great deal further

OPEN YOUR DOOR
How much further?

DOCTOR
From the fire side, upstairs and back again

OPEN YOUR DOOR
What parts do you come from most noble doctor?

DOCTOR
A fortnight beyond the leather windmill where they digs ducks,
shears owls and leads blind geese to water in timber chains.
I went down a long narrow broad short lane and there I met a
pigsty tied to an elder bush built with apple dumplings and
thatched with pancakes.
I knocked at the maid and the door came out and asked me
if I could eat a glass of beer and drink a crust of bread and cheese.
I said thank you kindly but I meant no please.

OPEN YOUR DOOR
What pains can you cure most noble doctor?

DOCTOR
The hipsy, pipsy, the palsy and the gout
If the old mans in I'll furk him out.

OPEN YOUR DOOR
What's thy fee doctor?

DOCTOR
Well £10 is my fee
But I must take fifteen of thee before I set this gallant free

OPEN YOUR DOOR
Rather a high fee doctor!

DOCTOR
Well as you are a poor man I will throw off a farthing
That will make it fourteen pounds nineteen shillings
and eleven pence three farthings
(looks round)
Jack! where's Jack?
Walk in Jack Finney and hold my horse

JACK FINNEY
My name aint Jack Finney
My name aint John Finney
Me name's Mister Finney and I'm a man of great strenght
Cured an old magpie of toothache yeaterday

OPEN YOUR DOOR
Oh yes, how's that

JACK FINNEY
Well I twisted his old head off, throwed his body in a dry ditch
and drowned him
Then I went off the morrow, about ten days after, picks up this
little magpie, rammed me arm down it's throat, turned him inside
out and made as good a magpie as ever walked on a pair of patterns

DOCTOR
Hold my horse Jack Finney

JACK FINNEY
Will he bite?

DOCTOR
No

JACK FINNEY
Will he kick?

DOCTOR
No

JACK FINNEY
Takes two to hold him

DOCTOR
No

JACK FINNEY
Hold him yerself then!

DOCTOR
What's that you saucy young rascal?

JACK FINNEY
Got him fast by the tail Sir

DOCTOR
Good, rack him up with a faggot and fuzz, and give him a bucket
of ashes to drink. Then rub him dry with a wet snowball

JACK FINNEY
Do it yerself Sir

DOCTOR
What's that you saucy young rascal?

JACK FINNEY
I'll do it myself Sir

OPEN YOUR DOOR
Now see what this young man wants doing to

DOCTOR (Examines St George)
Well Sir, he wants a tooth drawn and a little wind put into him
Jack Finney fetch my tooth drawing tack

JACK FINNEY
Fetch it yerself Sir

DOCTOR
What's that?

JACK FINNEY
I'm going as fast as I cvan Sir

(Jack Finney throws implements on the floor)

DOCTOR
Well what do'st you want to throw 'em down there for?

JACK FINNEY
For thee to pick 'em up

DOCTOR
What's that you saucy young rascal?

JACK FINNEY
For me to pick 'em up

DOCTOR
Well pick 'em up and be quick about it

(Jack Finney and Doctor draw tooth from St Georges mouth: Stony Stratford Mummers use a large wooden tooth onto which are tied 2 walnuts on a long piece of string (a deep root!)

JACK FINNEY
Be it out Sir?

DOCTOR
Looks more like a Jackass tooth than a Christians
Now I have a little bottle in my left hand waist coat
pocket called Okum Pokum
Here jack take a little of my nip nap, put it in your snip snack
Rise up Jack and fight again
(St. George arises)
Ladies and gentlemen standing round
See I've cured this man safe and sound
I've healed his wounds and cleansed his blood
And gave him something that done him good
Aint I Jack?

ST. GEORGE
Yes and I liked it too. Come in Beelzebub

BEELZEBUB
In comes I old Beelzebub
And on my back I carries my club
And in my hand the dripping pan
I thinks myself a jolly old man
Last Christmas night I turned the spit
I burnt me finger and felt it itch
The sparks flew over the table
The pot-lid kicked the ladle
Up jumped spit jack like a mansion man
Swore he'd fight the dripping pan with his long tail
Swore he'd send them all to jail
In comes the grid iron, if you can't agree
I'm the justice bring um to me

MISER
In comes I the old miser with all me old rags
For wants of money I am forced to cadge
My pockets are lined with cat skin
And they're getting very thin
So I would like a little of your Christmas money
To line them well within

BIG HEAD
In comes I old Big Head
With me big head and me little wits
Me heads so big and me wits so small
So here is a rhyme to please you all

(To the tune of 'The Red Flag')

Father died the other night and left me all his riches
A wooden leg, a feather bed, a pair of leather breeches
A cooffee pot without a spout, a jug without a handle
A guinea without a wig, and half a farthing candle
Sing brothers sing

ALL SING
The Holly and the Ivy
When they are both full grown
Of all the trees that are in the wood
The holly bears the crown
The rising of the sun
And the running of the deer
The playing of the merry organ
Sweet singing in the choir
The holly bears a blossom
As white as the lilly flower
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ
To be our sweet saviour

All sing while collection goes round

ALL
Christmas is a-coming and the goose is getting fat
Please put a penny in the old mans hat
If you haven't got a penny a ha'penny will do
If you haven't got a ha'penny well God bless you!

Merry Christmas one and all!